A couple, who wish to remain anonymous, agreed to answer some quick questions about their way of understanding swinging.
We love and respect everyone’s point of view and this is theirs that we publish to you
HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER BEEN INVOLVED IN THE SWINGER LIFE STYLE?
About three years.
HOW LONG HAVE THE TWO OF YOU BEEN TOGETHER?
Twenty years.
ARE YOU A HETEROSEXUAL OR HOMOSEXUAL COUPLE OR DOES IT MATTER?
Strictly heterosexual. We will have threesomes but everything is done on a “straight” basis. Ex-for Mfm, all male attention on me, fmf, all female attention on him.
HOW DO YOU NOT GET JEALOUS OR HOW DO YOU HANDLE JEALOUSY FROM YOUR PARTNER?
We just kinda let the jealousy go. We know we’ll always be together, we love each other and desire each other very much so jealousy isn’t really a thing. We enjoy seeing the other enjoy themselves. It’s fun, there’s no jealousy or ill feelings towards anyone but also, everyone must be comfortable with each other. We’ve never put ourselves in a position that would leave the other feeling anything but comfortable.
WHAT IS THE APPEAL OF SWINGING? LIKE I MENTIONED ABOVE, IS IT BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOUR PARTNER IS MISSING?
The appeal… seeing the other enjoying themselves, a “view” you wouldn’t normally be provided, having the ability to “look” without feeling guilty, even if it’s nothing more than checking someone out. I mean we all look when we see someone attractive, it’s the freedom to do that with no guilt attached, being able to act on that desire without “cheating” if it comes to that.
WHAT ARE COMMON COMPLICATIONS THAT COME UP?
Our main issue is time. Between work and life, it really doesn’t leave a lot of time for it, which is fine. We don’t do it often and it can be difficult to find a person/couple where everyone clicks. A lot of couples have jealousy issues, especially women and a more so than not, the women can be bitchy or have an “in all that” kind of attitude
HOW DO YOU MEET OTHER COUPLES?
Were on a few sites, aff, sls and tinder to name a few. People are hard to find IMO, if you have any kind of standards… and once you find someone/people, it becomes a do we all jive together thing and that’s more often no than yes.
DO YOU GUYS HAVE RULES IN PLACE?
Our rules-we always play “safe” and we only do things together.
HOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND SOMEONE ‘DIPS THEIR TOES’ INTO THE WATER OF THE SWINGING WORLD AND APPROACH THEIR PARTNER WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
To approach it is difficult… most people aren’t open to the idea… it’s really a relationship by relationship kind of thing. My first tip would be to be in a strong, loving, trusting relationship that has open lines of communication.
HAS SWINGING EVER BEEN A REGRETTABLE THING/THREATENED YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND IF IT WAS, HOW DID YOU GUYS PUT WHAT HAPPENED BEHIND YOU TO CONTINUE DOING IT?
No, it hasn’t. We’ve always respected each other wishes, wants, likes and dislikes and we can literally talk about anything openly without anyone getting angry or upset or hurt.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MEET A NEW COUPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME?
When we meet someone new, we always do a “meet and greet” type thing. Go out and grab drinks or an appetizer, whatever’s clever and sit down and chat for an hour or two, just seeing how well everyone gets along. We do try to get to know each but on a basic level, we don’t dive into our deepest secrets or anything.
WHAT IS THE MOST COMMON MISCONCEPTION OF BEING A SWINGER COUPLE?
I think the most common misconception is that swingers have sex with anyone, anywhere, anytime. And while that may be true for some, it is not for us. We don’t consider ourselves in an “open” relationship. To me that implies anything goes. We swing as a couple. We’ve been doing this for 3yrs, we’ve met up with two other couples, two single guys and a single girl.
IS THIS SOMETHING THAT YOU TAKE PART IN AS A GROUP OR DO YOU GO OFF SEPARATELY AND DO YOUR THING?
I may have answered this above, but we chat online or thru text, however, then we plan a meet and greet. If that goes well, we setup a later date to “play”. If it’s a couple, it’s same room the whole time, there may be switching back and forth, always play safe. If it’s Mfm or fmf, it’s more of a take turns scenario. While sometimes it’s both guys/girls have things going on, it’s really kinda hard to take of two guys/girls at once. It’s nothing like porn portrays at allllll.
ANY ADVICE OR ANYTHING YOU’D LIKE SOMEONE WHO IS UNFAMILIAR WITH SWINGING TO KNOW?
It’s not for everyone, women tend to get jealous even if they think they won’t, making sure everyone is totally comfortable with each other is very important, open communication lines and set boundaries are very important and need to be thoroughly discussed. Agree before you start that if either wants to stop at anytime, it will all stop and no one will harbor ill feelings.
Not sure about you guys, but I definitely learned some new things from this couple. I wanted to take a minute and thank them for replying to my request and taking the time to answer these honestly and give us a peek into their lifestyle.
Very often we are asked or find questions in the forums about what are the signs that could make you understand if a couple is a swinger or willing to explore new horizons sexually.
Contrary to popular thoughts that there are no signs or symbols that swingers use to attract different swingers, in many cases, it appears that a few people are continually searching for a systematic approach to check out whether a friend, neighbor or colleague is a swinger.
So, yes, there are swinger symbols that the swinging community uses to attract other potential partners. This is also supported by the fact that because a swinger will have sex with someone else outside their primary relationship doesn’t necessary mean that they’ll have intercourse with whoever just goes along, when in fact swingers are just as picky as any other individual in the society about who they’re attracted to and who they’ll have sex with. Much the same as the joke: “Yes, I’m polyamorous. No, I won’t engage in sexual relations with you.” the same can be said for swingers: “Yes, I’m a swinger. No, I won’t engage in sexual relations with you.”
Popular urban legends that are hinted as typical swinger symbols
Pampas grass in the front yard garden
Pink or purple decorations in the front yard
Pineapple placed upside down in a shopping cart
A pineapple door knocker
A fire pit in the yard
A hot tub in the yard
A woman wears an anklet on her right leg
A woman wears an anklet on her left leg
A man or woman wearing a red ball cap
White landscaping rocks in someone’s front yard
Wearing a thumb ring
Wearing a toe ring
Switching the wedding ring to the right hand
Yin-Yang tattoo
1) Pineapples: A Swinging Good Time?
They do say nobody realizes what goes on behind closed doors – but, is your neighbor sending out secret clues that they’re into swinging? The pineapple throughout the ages has represented charming hospitality and enthusiastic welcoming. A pineapple when kept on a patio or mailbox by swingers, it implies that a swinger party is underway. When a pineapple is turned upside down, it represents an individual is looking for a swinger party. However, initially, it was turned upside down in the people’s shopping basket. The popularity of the upside down pineapple has made it acceptable for clothes and different other items as a secret message in the swinging community. Swingers utilize this symbol to recognize each other in broad daylight. Evidently, a pineapple left on the front entryway amidst the night is (in the modern time) really a bold request or a cheerful welcome for the swingers to join in!
2) Pampas grass
Yes, Pampas Grass has earned itself a long relationship with swingers, according to an article published in the Daily Telegraph. Scientifically called Cortaderia selloana, the grass is the secret code which indicates its owner appreciates the alternative lifestyle of swinging. Unfortunately, in the case of Pampas grass, there is such mind-bending publicity, which resulted in plummeting sales in recent years. Let the charm and temptation of swinging intrigue to you, proceed and knock on the Pampas Grass owner’s door next time – just make sure to be accompanied by your partner.
3) The Polyamourous Symbol
There is a lot of confusion here because wearing a polyamorous symbol certainly does not mean that the person is part of the world of swinging. But it is certainly a sign that denotes a certain open-mindedness.
4) A black ring on the right hand
It seems that swingers even have their own secret accessories- which are helpful when trying to recognize a fellow swinger or people who enjoy this alternative lifestyle. As per Cooper Beckett, host of the Life on the Swingset Podcast, numerous couples are out there who wear a black ring to secretly imply that they are into swinging. He even wrote in an article publishes in the Daily Telegraph: “Wear your black ring on your right hand in the event that you are out and open to meet other swingers.” In that article, he even helpfully guided on the most proficient way to break the ice in case you identify a fellow swinger in broad daylight. “On the off chance that somebody wearing a dark ring on their right-hand approaches you, start conversing with them, ‘I see you’re wearing a black ring on your right hand. Possibly we are the members of the same club’.”
5) Garden gear and home decorations
Next time you run out of sugar and need to knock your next door neighbor, ensure you carefully observe his/her choice of garden gear and home decorations. Pineapples as well, evidently, when placed in the form of door knockers secretly suggest that your neighbor is a swinger. Oh, and garden gnomes may appear tasteless but ironically they’re kitsch and honest. Because these are the secret codes that signal Mr. and Mrs. might request that you put your car keys in a glass bowl.
6) Hot Tubs
Having a hot tub in the garden is likewise acclaimed for being a typical swinger mentality. In any case, as indicated in an article in The Sun and later in the New York Post by Ross Phillipson, Sales chief at Hot Tubs Superstore in Blackpool, this has currently transformed into a legend. He clarified: “The greatest confusion is that hot tubs are the preserve of swingers, liberal Premiership footballers or flashy types who live in Essex. Truth be told, they are purchased by anybody and everybody.” Another sign is that your neighbor will never open their garage entryway until they’re in the car with the doors shut
7) Wristbands
In the not so distant past, these were extremely popular, with individuals gladly brandishing wristbands to secretly demonstrate their swinging aims. Well, “Charity begins at home” – and hence, swingers have likewise reportedly got their own branded wristbands. These wristbands have an extraordinary “sign” which, along with to the black rings, were made to enable swingers to identify each other potentially. It is also unpretentious and respects the privacy of the individual who wears it. What you have to pay special attention to, are the universal male and female signs organized horizontally with their circles crossing, with three plus signs on the two sides.
8) Anklet The hidden message
Albeit numerous women nowadays may think about the anklet is only a minor tinkle, it really and in generally symbolizes that a woman is married or committed to her partner/husband/lover yet available to other men for sexual adventures with the partner’s/husband’s consent and encouragement. They are usually referred as a “hotwife”. At the point when a married lady wears an anklet, it implies that she is open to relationships and sexual adventures with men other than her partner/husband. In the event that the anklet contains heart images, it implies the wife is committed to her significant other yet free to date other men and have sexual relationships with mutual benefits. If the anklet contains the letter Q and the spade symbol, sometimes accompanied with a tattoo of a playing card and the letter Q inside, it usually means that the wife has a sexual preference for black men.
A threesome, also known as a trio or ménage à trois (French for a household of three), is when three people have sex together. It’s not the same as group sex, which generally refers to sex acts involving four or more people at the same time. The way people feel about threesomes varies widely based on their experiences, ideas they have about sex, and cultural influences. While the idea is exciting for some, it’s scary or unappealing to others. Understanding the dynamics of a healthy three-way, and the potential risks and benefits, can help you decide whether you might be interested in trying one or if this type of sexual exploration isn’t for you.
Having a threesome for the first time often starts with a fantasy. Have you been dreaming about having sex with two people at the same time? There are a couple of things to consider. Do you have a partner who is interested in having a threesome? Or do you want to join a couple? And how do you go about asking for a threesome? If you want to make your fantasy come true, we’ve got a couple of good tips for you to make your first threesome experience a great success.
First time threesome: talk about it with your partner
Be open about your fantasies with your partner. If you want to experience a threesome for the first time and you want to do this with your partner, then tell them. It can be scary if you don’t know how your partner feels about it and what their reaction will be. Be clear about why you want a threesome: is it a one-time bucketlist experience or do you want to make your sex life more exciting? Explain your reasons well and ask your partner how they feel about having a threesome. Talk about the advantages, but also about the concerns. If your partner says no, respect their decision and let it rest for now. I say ‘for now’ because sometimes your lover simply needs some time to get used to the idea.
Heineken Threesome Commercial “Share one with your friend”
Where do you find partners for a threesome?
Whether you’re looking for one or two people for your first threesome, it’s always a challenge. If you’re single, it’s relatively easy to find a couple that is looking for someone to have a threesome with. Post a request on SwingersTaboo in activity page or Groups. Another tip is to go to a swingers club. Especially single women are very wanted there. The benefit of meeting someone in person is that you immediately know if you’re attracted to them. If you’re looking for a third person together with your partner, you can also book an escort. The main advantage of this is that it avoids jealousy and romantic feelings involving the third person.
Ideal: everyone is attracted to each other
It’s important to realise that having a threesome isn’t romantic. It takes a lot of effort, concentration, and stamina. Your mouth won’t be closed most of the time, there are plenty of holes that need to be filled, and your hands are everywhere all the time. If you want to make your first threesome a success, then make sure everyone is attracted to each other. The best threesomes involve a lot of chemistry between all three people. The most important aspect is that you feel completely comfortable. By the way, not everyone has to have sex with everone. For example, you’re a woman and your partner is a man. You’d like to have a threesome with your partner and another man. That doesn’t mean that the men also have to have sex with each other. I speak from experience when I say that two men can be intimate without touching each other. Obviously, they can have sex if they want to. It’s also possible that you’re very curious about what it would be like to touch another woman, so you can invite a woman that both you and your partner have sex with.
A Threesome with 2 Males is called “MMF” or “MFM”
The risk of inviting a friend for a threesome
As the title suggests: inviting a friend to join you and your partner in a threesome comes with certain risks. The main problem is jealousy. Especially when one of you receives more attention than the other. Do you want to watch your man get aroused by your best friend and then continue your friendship with her? What if your friend and your partner develop romantic feelings for each other? Of course, inviting a friend isn’t always a negative experience: it’s always good to know exactly who you invite into your home and you already trust your friend. Discuss the rules of the threesome beforehand with your partner. Then discuss them with the friend you invited to join the adventure. Also ask him or her about their wishes or conditions. This way you can prevent arguments and negative feelings that might come up afterwards as much as possible. It would be a shame to let a threesome ruin your friendship.
Agree on the rules
If you’re going to have a threesome for the first time, you might feel very nervous. Discuss the rules with all participants beforehand. The thought that you know exactly what to expect and what not to expect can help calm your nerves. Also talk about what you’re going to do afterwards: are you going to have a drink together, will everyone stay overnight, or are you – or is anyone else – going home immediately? The location is also important: do you want to invite the third person into your home, are you going to the house of the other couple, or are you going to a hotel? Talking about your threesome is important in any case. Express your wishes, fantasies, and concerns. This will help you feel relaxed before and during the threesome.
Is the threesome a secret?
An important question to ask is whether or not the threesome is a secret. If you don’t want anyone to know about it, or your partner or the third person wants to keep it a secret, it’s good to talk about this beforehand. Then everyone can agree on the rules, which is especially important when the threesome involves a close friend.
When a Threesome has 2 Women and 1 Man is called “FFM” or “FMF”
You can always say no
Having a threesome for the first time is a leap of faith. If it has been one of your naughtiest fantasies and it’s about to come true, you will feel all the emotions and hormones rage in your body. But what if you find out it isn’t your cup of tea after all? That’s okay, talk about it. Nobody wants you to feel uncomfortable. Even during sex you can mention you don’t want to do something. Are you scared to speak up? Try to remember that the other two people want you to have fun as well. After all, that is what a threesome is all about.
A good way to start a threesome
If you’re going to experience a threesome for the first time, you’re probably very nervous. Go out for dinner first or have a drink together. Create a sensual ambience in your house or hotel room with candles and music. You can dance, talk, or watch an erotic video together. The erotic tension will be there soon enough when someone takes the initiative. You can also perform a striptease in front of the others, or you can massage each other. Make sure all three of you get in the right mood.
What do you need for your first threesome?
There are a couple of things that are good to have on hand during a threesome. These products can help you make the experience even better:
First things first: lubricant. This is the basis of comfortable sex;
Massage oil or massage candles: create a sensual and relaxed ambience in the bedroom;
Lingerie: to make you feel confident and sexy, so you can on top of your flirting game;
Sex toys: especially a vibrator is a fun tool if there are two women in your threesome;
And of course: condoms.
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A threesome for the first time: experience
At some point, I somewhat unexpectedly ended up in a threesome myself after a night out with my lover and his friend. My lover aroused me (obviously). And the feeling of four hands on my body? That aroused me as well. But is was also confusing. You really have to concentrate if you’re having sex with two men at the same time. And I thought my lover was more attractive than his friend, and since they both only had sex with me, not with each other, it was a little too much to handle after all. I guess you cam say the idea was more exciting than the actual experience. Eventually I kicked the friend out of bed and my lover stayed. I definitely want to have a threesome again, but with a different third person.
Threesome: always have safe sex
Safe sex is always important. Maybe you and your partner don’t use condoms anymore, but if you’re inviting a third person to join, condoms are a must. Then you can keep it safe for everyone involved. Having sex with two partners involves changing the condom whenever you switch from one partner to the other. This can be a hassle, but it’s for the greater good: your own health and the health of your bed partners.
There are many ways to talk about your swinging experience and how you got into it, what lessons you learned and the things to avoid in order to live happily and satisfied
This couple knows how to tell every little step with a simplicity that we hope can be of help to anyone who wants to approach this world
We Are Swingers: Here’s What It’s Actually Like
My wife and I are a typical heterosexual couple, but we have a dirty secret: We’re swingers.
No, we don’t twirl and flip to music from the 1940s; we meet other couples and have sex with each other’s partners. Due to our conservative careers and even more conservative families, we keep our sexual practices to ourselves.
Only a few close vanilla friends know what we’re into (“vanilla” is the term swingers use to refer to anyone who isn’t a swinger … and also other swingers who happen to be covered in vanilla).
Here’s what we’ve learned in the several years now that we’ve been “in the lifestyle” (that’s the more subtle term swingers prefer):
Can Take Years Of Negotiating
We were first were introduced to the lifestyle by two married friends, whom we’d found out from common friends’ gossip had an open relationship.
This couple was attracted to us, and they gradually revealed their interest via heavy flirting and questionably sexual contact whenever we’d hang out.
Well, I should clarify: The flirting and contact came from only the husband. The wife was pretty ambivalent about me (probably because I’m just too awesome), and the husband was always a little more aggressive than my wife was ever comfortable with.
Eventually, we realized they were into swinging because he really just wanted to fuck other women, and in an effort to preserve the marriage, she went along with it.
That marriage lasted only a few years before she finally got fed up and divorced him. Yeah, I know, imagine that. She’s in a new relationship now. They are not swingers, and she’s way happier than she ever was with her ex-husband. And that’s kind of the point here.
Due to this rocky introduction, we were initially hesitant to get into the scene.
But the aforementioned couple did turn us on to websites like SwingersTaboo.com or IlLatoOscuro.it (Italian), where you can keep up with the scene and meet other couples. Through these sites, we found information on local mixers — discreet get-togethers at bars, where swingers can meet each other and newbies can get their toes wet (stop giggling) in a chill setting.
The veteran couples we met at these mixers were always welcoming and more than willing to offer us advice on getting started.
And perhaps most importantly, they never pressured us into doing anything we weren’t ready for. In fact, we soon realized the scene is all about asking before you initiate any sort of contact with someone.
That was a welcome relief for us, especially after the pressure my wife had previously received from the aforementioned husband.
As we met more and more couples who were understanding and patient, who were happy to stop the moment one of us hesitated, we realized that there are some truly good and decent people in the lifestyle. And as we got more comfortable, we started being willing to do more.
That led us to three years’ worth of conversations about how far we were willing to go, what exactly we were looking for within the scene, and above all else, how we were in this together. We didn’t want to end up in a situation where one of us was like, “I’m bored. I’m going out fuck-hunting. If I get lucky, I’ll see you tomorrow, loser!”
Once we were comfortable with escalating, we realized …
Can Be Just As Awkward As A High School Dance
After three years of dabbling in local mixers (without ever really hooking up with any other couples), we decided to take the next step: our first big out-of-town event. In Las Vegas, of course, because duh. This one was going to be a four-day takeover of an entire hotel, with over 1,000 swingers in attendance.
As we were packing for the trip, we psyched ourselves up for what we were sure would be a massive 96-hour orgy of writhing bodies. We had another long discussion about how far we were willing to go (“Let’s just go for it all” was our consensus this time), and we showed up with roughly every condom produced that year.
Our fantasies were dashed pretty quickly. The first night, we walked into the venue and saw a bunch of people dressed in the sexiest attire we could imagine (think Vegas nightclub, but without any rules about indecent exposure).
Everyone looked smoking hot, but we couldn’t for the life of us figure out how to talk to anyone. As we walked around, we noticed that everyone seemed to be hanging out in their own cliques.
We felt pretty awkward, but we soon realized that this is just natural human behavior. People gravitate toward those they already know. And when you throw in the strong likelihood that you’re going to be exchanging fluids with them later on in the evening, then of course, you’re going to be a bit more discriminating about who you’re hanging out with.
After two hours of hapless attempts to make eye contact and smile, we finally met a group who welcomed us into their circle. But even then, we soon realized that a get-together of swingers doesn’t always end in a massive orgy.
Sometimes people just want to catch up. The orgy with this group came the second night (seriously, stop giggling). The first night was mostly flirting.
And that’s the weird thing that I never expected: how often you end up hanging around, joking and chatting with each other. Because ultimately, these people are friends first (albeit friends who make each other sticky).
Swinger” Is A Broad Umbrella Term
As we delved into the scene, we realized that every couple has their own specific interests. Some prefer to attend parties and participate in orgies (like my wife and I, as we soon realized). Some are more “introverted” (I know, it’s a weird term in this situation), preferring to meet other couples through the lifestyle websites.
Some couples will do everything but sex (soft swap). Other couples will have sex (full swap), but only if everyone is in the same room.
Many couples get into the lifestyle because the woman realizes she is bisexual, so they’re looking for couples where the women can play with each other, but the men are only involved with their own partners, which may sound complicated or even frustrating for the man, but really is far from something to complain about.
And as we’ve mentioned before, there are “unicorns” — single women who play with couples, so named because their rarity and allure are almost mythical.
Then there are the fake swingers.
These couples tend to be younger. They attend all the big events, and if there’s a stripper pole in the room, you can bet they’ll be the first ones on it. But when it comes down to the actual swinging, they’re more into the exhibitionist aspect of the lifestyle and ultimately are not looking for sex with other couples.
Since each couple sets their own boundaries, when we’re out meeting other swingers, the first thing we have to figure out is what they’re into. There are so many different levels of swinging that even people who’ve been in the lifestyle for decades can’t keep track.
For this reason …
Your Communication And Trust Has To Be Perfect
In case the three years of negotiations I mentioned didn’t drive the point home, a lifestyle couple simply can’t have any communication barriers.
You have to trust each other 100 percent and be open with each other about everything. Imagine the level of trust you need to be able to tell your partner, “I’m really attracted to this person, and I’d like to have sex with them” … and then also feel comfortable that your partner won’t slap you for saying that.
As an example of that communication and trust, here’s a story one couple we met early on shared with us:
A massage parlor opened up near his work, and he had a sneaking suspicion it was one of those sketchy ones. He told her about it, so she laughed and replied, “
Yeah, you go and check it out. Let me know how that goes.” So he did. It did, in fact, turn out to be one of those massage parlors where you don’t get just a massage. He opted for the “happy ending,” but as he explained, it was by far the most mechanical, uncomfortable experience his penis had ever endured.
He likened it to being in the grip of a jackhammer. But here’s the best part: She thought it was hilarious, and they both still laugh about it to this day.
Twisted as that may sound, there was something we found oddly admirable about a couple who could joke about something like this together. My wife and I agree that stories like this are a big part of what drew us into the scene — the fact that couples are comfortable engaging in these silly sexcapades and telling each other about them. We’ve only been married a few years, but seriously, we now believe this is how you 1) make a marriage last, and 2) keep it exciting for decades to come.
And once you have your communication and trust down pat, you realize that …
You Still Have Standards
Just because we’re swingers doesn’t mean that we’ll fuck any random genitals that people whip out. But that’s kind of the impression outsiders get, right?
Even when we’re ready for sex, we have to respect the other couples, and we definitely don’t want to be the awkward aggressive one. So there ends up being a lot of “feeling each other out,” so to speak. OK fine, you can giggle at that one.
No matter how excited we get, we have to recognize when our partner is
1) uncomfortable with the person we’re hooking up with
2) uncomfortable with the person they’re supposed to be hooking up with, or …
3) just plain not in the mood. A failure to do so is the surest way to jam a spiked butt plug into your relationship.
In fact, this was something we noticed about our now-divorced friends. It didn’t matter how clearly not into another couple she was, he would keep going and even berate her for not being in the mood. Remember how I mentioned that the wife was pretty ambivalent about me?
That never stopped the husband from trying to hit on my wife. And in the end, that only made all three of us (my wife and I, as well as his wife) uncomfortable.
The sad reality is, you’ll often meet a couple where you are totally into your “counterpart,” but your partner is not remotely attracted to theirs. Like maybe he looks like Richard Spencer or something.
Or hell, maybe he is Richard Spencer. When that happens, you and your partner need to execute some covert negotiations in the heat of the moment. Because you don’t want to be an asshole and say, “Sorry, dude. I like your wife, but my wife thinks you’re grotesque.”
At this point, you either have to agree to call it off completely, or your partner has to be willing to “take one for the team.” Yes, that is a legitimate lifestyle term … you may giggle.
Now, for the record, some couples do appear to be okay with one partner calling it a night while the other partner keeps going. But most couples we’ve met are leery of this, because it always smacks of those not-quite-on-the-same-page, not-so-tight couples. We’re all out to have fun — comfortable fun. And if any couple even hints of drama, well, there are plenty of other couples to hook up with.
The Scene Is Surprisingly Empowering For Women
We’ve talked before about how this lifestyle is predominantly driven by women, but I wanted to elaborate, because it’s a huge part of what makes this work.
Whether true or not, the societal stereotype of women being demure and men being walking boners is at least acknowledged in the swinger scene.
And because there is this unspoken assumption that men are more into casual sex than women, experienced couples will often let the women take the lead. That is to say, a couple will move at a pace the woman feels comfortable with.
Many of the events we attend start like any typical party, with everyone just hanging out (hehehehe) having drinks. As people loosen up, the women start dancing with each other, and at some point, that escalates into touching and kissing. Once they’ve sufficiently indulged their bisexual sides, only then will the men join in and everyone starts swapping. It just makes everyone so much more comfortable that way. If “reality porn” were honest, you’d skip the first five hours of it. (Sidenote: This dynamic does make it slightly more challenging to be a completely straight woman in the scene.)
Plus, there’s the fact that single men are simply not welcome in the scene. Every now and then, we do meet a male unicorn (not an actual term, because single males are so rare that an actual term is pretty much moot), but they’re always there by personal invitation from a female event host only.
Without fail, they are incredibly charming and incredibly good-looking, and even more notably, they are respectful and don’t make unwanted advances. If anything, they’re available for any interested women to approach. They’re not there to hit on women themselves.
The bottom line is, everyone gets creeped out by the inappropriately aggressive man. For the record, every now and then, we will run across an inappropriately aggressive woman. In these cases, though, people get less creeped out and more eye-rolly.
Put this all together, and it creates a comfortable environment for women to be sexually uninhibited and still fully in control.
Can Create Awkwardness With Your Friends
Remember what I said about swingers being picky about who, when, and where they’ll fuck? Well, that means something more when you consider that swinging is something we just do for fun every now and then.
Just like how you and your significant other may decide to go out for a fancy dinner as a way to be romantic on a Saturday, my wife and I may decide to unleash a fuck storm as ours. Despite what the term “lifestyle” may imply, it doesn’t actually consume our lives.
Yet some people seem to think we’re looking to fuck anyone, anytime, anywhere.
The worst is the (invariably male) acquaintance who somehow finds out about our lifestyle and is just a tad too eager with his questions — or worse, his touching. He finds out we’re swingers, and all of a sudden he thinks it’s okay to touch my wife in a sexual way without any invitation from her. At best, these acquaintances come across as desperate. At worst, they feel like the opening scene of a horror movie.
Among our more tolerant (and less creepy) friends, though, awkwardness can occur too. Ever since my wife and I “came out” to our vanilla friends, most of them have accepted our lifestyle openly, and some have even been curious. Every now and then, though, we’ll notice a slight physical discomfort with our presence — like if I put my arm around a female friend, I may catch her recoiling or stiffening ever so slightly, as though she’s suddenly uncomfortable with the mere thought of me touching her.
My wife has noticed the same thing with a few of our male friends. It’s a subtle difference in how they now respond to physical affection from us — physical affection that was always accepted warmly in the past.
I guess it makes sense, though. Once you find out your friends are into stuff like this, it’s easy to think, “Shit, he just put his arm around me. He’s about to whip out his hog and take me on a tour of Hog City.” The subtle recoils we get are reminders of the hurdles we ourselves had to overcome during our three-year journey to becoming swingers.
Mr and Mrs Atom, from Raleigh in North Carolina, are both bisexual and have been married for three and a half years, moved to Australia after Bradford received a job opportunity too good to pass up.
“Nether of us would ever go back to it.”
“We were both married before meeting one another, which weren’t open relationships,” Angela, 38, added.
“When we started dating, we were hooking up and it wasn’t serious. But when we wanted it to be more serious, we made it known to each other that we wanted to see other people.
“This quickly turned in to seeing couples together … we call it friends with benefits.”
Both working in the science field, the international move allowed the pair to have a clean slate and be completely open about their relationship from the get go.
“We are very lucky,” Mr Atom said.
“When we moved, we got a free pass to restart everything. When we arrived, we made it a point to be open and honest with everyone about our relationship. Both our families know, we have friends at work who know about us, and in the real world we are just open and honest.
“If you hide, that’s a real problem and simply shows guilt, but this is the way a normal relationship can look.”
The pair, who now live in Sydney and run adult sexual education classes in addition to their full time jobs, said every open relationship was different – but they tend to see other couples together.
“It’s a fun experience, but the key to any successful open relationship is a strong basis of communication and trust,” Mr Atom said.
“There are times when we see people separately, which we talk about in depth. This is much more than just sex.
“We consider ourselves ‘socio-sexuals’, meaning we like to have a deeper relationship with people and not just sex.
“Sometimes we have sex sometimes we don’t,” Mrs Atom added.
“Sometimes we might just have a drink with someone, or go to dinner. It’s not just a wham bam thank you ma’am.”
While Mr and Mrs Atom would never go back to a monogamous relationship, they do acknowledge jealousy can come in to play from time to time.
“We are each others home base, so no matter what happens or who we see, we will always come home to each other,” Mr Atom said.
“There is no one that will interrupt us, but jealousy can come in to play.”
“But there’s two sides to the coin with jealousy. Compersion on one side, which means you’re happy if your partner is happy, and on the other side is jealousy.
“For us, it’s about getting in check and in balance.
“We understand this is fringe,” Mrs Atom added.
“We are not the cookie cutter mould of normal. But everybody is very supportive of us.”
While it’s virtually impossible to know how many Australians are living polyamorous [open relationship] lifestyles, a US academic study indicates that about five per cent, or, 1.2 million Aussies are foregoing monogamy for non-traditional partnerships.
Mr and Mrs Atom saw a gap in adult sexual education market, and made the decision 18 months ago to launch By the Bi – which teaches couples and singles everything they’ve wanted to know about sex, but haven’t felt confident or comfortable enough to ask.
“A lot of people in the 25 to 50 year old age group get their sexual education from porn,” Mr Atom said.
“That’s like getting life information from an Avengers movie. So we wanted to educate adults to have a better relationship with their partner.”
The classes, which run once a month from a club in Sydney called The Secret Spot, starts off with a presentation before concluding with a live demonstration.
“This is so people can see and understand what has been spoken about at the start of the class,” Mrs Atom said. Then participants in the class can go home and try it for themselves.
“So if it’s a flirting class, we will demonstrate both good and bad techniques. If we do a massage class, we will demonstrate different hand job techniques,” she said.
“Our most popular classes is the blow job demonstration and the clitoris massage, but
we’ve never demonstrated sex. We try to be informative without being crass.”
